§ The longest journey begins with a single step, not with a turn of the ignition key. ~ Edward Abbey.
§ In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. ~ Scott Adams.
§ I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. ~ Woody Allen.
§ The shortest distance between two points is under construction. ~ Noelie Altito.
§ If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. ~ Mario Andretti.
§ A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense. ~ American Proverb.
§
That the automobile has practically reached the
limit of its development is suggested by the fact that
during the past year no improvements of a radical nature have been introduced.
~ Scientific American,
§ Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down. ~ Russell Baker.
§
The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is
that, deep down inside, we
§ If you think Abraham Lincoln became famous for inventing the town car, it is time to spend a few hours on history. ~ Bo Bennett.
§
A man is hit by a car while
crossing a
§ Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. ~ Steve Bluestone.
§ Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. ~ Erma Bombeck.
§ Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. ~ Erma Bombeck.
§ I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week. ~ Erma Bombeck.
§ Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. ~ Erma Bombeck.
§ Never have more children than you have car windows. ~ Erma Bombeck.
§ Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. ~ Erma Bombeck.
§
The buffalo isn't as
dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the
§ Americans are broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there is something wrong with him. ~Art Buchwald,
§ Have you ever noticed, when you're driving, that anyone driving slower than you is an "idiot", and anyone driving faster than you is a "maniac"? ~ George Carlin: Carlin on Campus (1984)
§ I don't let people drive at my speed. If I see some guy in the next lane keepin' pace with me, I slow down. I let that asshole get a little bit ahead, so I can keep an eye on him. I like to know who I'm drivin' near. In fact, quite often at a stop light I'll ask for personal references. You can never be too careful. ~ George Carlin.
§ [On Roller bladders and scooter riders]. Why are these fully grown men out on the street, playing with children's toys during working hours? And wearing helmets, for chrissakes! Jesus, I would be embarrassed to wear a helmet. Grow up…. And while you're at it, stay out of the range of my car; I might just decide to run some consumer tests on those helmets. I might also decide to clear the streets of all nonessential traffic. So get a job or play on the sidewalk with the rest of the kids! ~ George Carlin.
§ I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. ~ Tom Clark.
§ I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door. ~ Bill Cosby.
§ If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside. ~ Robert Cringely.
§ My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.
§ Someday we'll look back on this moment and accidently plow into a parked car. ~ Evan Davis.
§ The automobile engine will come, and then I will consider my life's work complete. ~ Rudolf Diesel.
§ If hooking a car battery up to a monkey's brain will help find the cure for AIDS and save somebody's life, I have two things to say... the red is positive and the black is negative. - Nick Dipaolo.
§ Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car. ~ Will Durst.
§ Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. ~ Albert Einstein.
§ Walking isn't a lost art - one must, by some means, get to the garage. ~ Evan Esar.
§ New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs. ~ Jimmy Fallon.
§ If you don't drink, smoke, or drive a car, you're a tax evader. ~ Thomas S. Foley.
§ Anyone who's ever filed a tax return or visited the Department of Motor Vehicles understands that government does two things well: spend our money and waste our time. ~ Ed Fuelner, March 2006.
§ I have so much to say when I'm driving and I only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A horn just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I want a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on top, like the cops got. You can have 'em, too. Freedom of speech includes volume. ~ Gallagher: Stuck in the Sixties (1982)
§ "Dodge" is the perfect word to put on the front of a van comin' at ya. ~ Gallagher: The Bookkeeper (1985).
§ Many of the quests for status symbols -- the hot automobile, the best table in a restaurant or a private chat with the boss--are shadowy reprises of infant anxieties. The larger office, the corner space, the extra window are the teddy bears and tricycles of adult office life. ~ Willard Gaylin.
§ Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it. ~ Ellen Goodman.
§
Storing your car in
§
It wasn't the Exxon Valdez captain's driving that caused the
Alaskan oil spill. It was yours. ~ Greenpeace
advertisement, New York Times,
§
Congressman Patrick Kennedy announced he's entering rehab after crashing his car while
sleep-driving on prescription medication. His family is there for him. For the
next twenty-eight days he will occupy the Kennedy
Chair at the Mayo Clinic. ~ Argus
§ What a lucky thing the wheel was invented before the automobile; otherwise, can you imagine what awful screeching? ~ Samuel Hoffenstein.
§
Space isn't remote at
all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could
go straight upwards. ~ Sir Fred Hoyle, British astronomer. Observer,
§
There is a crisis in
§ All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness. ~ Mark Kennedy.
§
Whither goest
thou,
§
If all the cars in the
§
Scientists in
§ Remember when you used to tie the Christmas tree to the top of your car and drive home? Now our SUV's are so big, the trees fit inside. The new Cadillac Escalade actually has a Christmas tree holder on the dash. - Jay Leno. 12-05.
§
DIRECT TV announced it's
coming out with satellite as an option is the Cadillac Escalade. The Escalades have incredible stereos in them, refrigerators, now satellite TV. Do you realize they're
just one bathroom away from being a mobile home? - Jay Leno.
§
Electronics experts say that by 2009 people will
be able to watch TV programs on their cell phones. So
we are now exactly 4 years away from the largest car accident is history. - Jay
Leno.
§
I was reading some interesting facts about the
new Pope, Pope Benedict XVI. According to "The New York Post', did you
know the new Pope has never had a driver's license? Hey, he should come to
§ Researchers at an Austrian university are facing ethics charges for using human corpses as crash test dummies. See, that's what happens if you don't have a good Social Security system -- you have to keep working even after you're dead. - Jay Leno, March, 2005.
§
Well folks, on the second anniversary of the
invasion of
§ A Nebraska man has been arrested for stealing a Greyhound bus, getting drunk, and trying to crash into his ex-wife's trailer home because he thought she was cheating on him. This could be the first time ever that a crime gets nominated for a country music award. - Jay Leno, 02-05.
§
§ There are two companies now advertising they make RVs that can withstand radiation from a nuclear attack. Was there a big call for this?! People upset: "You know, last time we were under nuclear attack our vacation was completely ruined because our RV couldn't take the 10,000-degree temperature!" - Jay Leno, 02-05.
§ Hillary Clinton called for Americans to save gas by returning to the 55 mile per hour speed limit. I'm not going to believe she's serious about saving gas until I see her and Bill actually drive somewhere together in the same car. ~ Jay Leno, May 2006.
§
The highest gas prices in the nation are in
§
Ted Kennedy's son, Congressman Patrick Kennedy,
crashed his car into a barricade on Capitol Hill at
§ With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy hybrid car. It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway it runs on alcohol. ~ Jay Leno, May 2006.
§ "Top 10 Signs that Gas Is Expensive:" It's so expensive, Batman is patrolling the streets on a Schwinn; It's so expensive, mobsters are dousing snitches with olive oil; It's so expensive, Domino's only delivers within walking distance; It's so expensive, moviegoers flock to "RV" just to see someone driving; It's so expensive, Tom Cruise agreed to be a guest for 5 gallons of unleaded; It's so expensive, you're actually willing to car pool with Regis; It's so expensive, Starbucks is selling Gasaccino. ~ David Letterman, May 2006.
§
"Top10 Ways the United States Automakers
Can Increase Sales": Rig
§
Top Signs
§ “Top Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying The Pope’s Used Car”: Will I be able to see through the stained glass windshield?; Can I keep the vanity license plate, “Holydude”?; Will he throw in the Creedence tapes in the glove compartment?; Should I get something cheaper like Billy Graham’s old Jeep Wagoneer?; Will it upset my Jewish friends?; When’s the last time he washed this thing, the Reformation? ~ David Letterman, April 2007.
§ They looked like chrome-plated barges. ~ Raymond Loewy, On automobiles of the 1950s.
§ The trouble with research is that it tells you what people were thinking about yesterday, not tomorrow. It's like driving a car using a rearview mirror. ~ Bernard Loomis.
§ When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there's a good chance the transmission is shot. ~ Larry Lujack.
§ There comes a moment when you have to stop revving up the car and shove it into gear. ~ David Mahoney.
§ The car trip can draw the family together, as it was in the days before television when parents and children actually talked to each other. ~ Andrew H. Malcolm.
§ Self-determination, the autonomy of the individual, asserts itself in the right to race his automobile, to handle his power tools, to buy a gun, and to communicate to mass audiences his opinion, no matter how ignorant, or how aggressive, it may be. ~ Herbert Marcuse.
§ I have a BMW. But only because BMW stands for Bob Marley and The Wailers, and not because I need an expensive car. ~ Bob Marley.
§ Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead. ~ Mac McCleary.
§
The car has become a secular sanctuary for the
individual, his shrine to the self, his mobile
§
A car is useless in
§ Approximately 5,000 people attended the funeral of Johnnie Cochran on Wednesday, including O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. Actually, O.J. played a major role at the funeral, as he led a slow speed procession to the cemetery in a convoy of white Ford Broncos. ~ Dennis Miller, April, 2005.
§ The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. ~ Dudley Moore.
§ Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. ~ Lewis Mumford..
§ Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. ~ P. J. O'Rourke.
§ For those readers too young to remember, a car used to be a simple piece of machinery, something like a very fast rider mower but better because you couldn't mow the lawn with it. You started this up, drove off at pretty much any speed you desired, and then exercised a variety of constitutionally guaranteed liberties.... No more -- nowadays if a car cannot survive a drop from the Gateway Arch and emits any vapors more noxious than Evening in Paris, the federal government won't let you own it, and what they will let you own you can't really drive, because fifty-five miles an hour is the speed at which a spirited person parallel-parks, not motors to Chicago. ~ P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.
§ Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations. ~ P.J. O'Rourke
§ Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children. ~ Marilyn Penland
§ When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip.
§
In
§
When you think about rising gas prices the first
thing to understand is that the people we expect to solve
this problem—the folks in
§ My boyfriend keeps telling me I've got to own things. So, first I bought this car. And then he told me I oughta get a house. 'Why a house?' 'Well, you gotta have a place to park the car.' ~ Julia Roberts.
§
I represent what is left of a vanishing race,
and that is the pedestrian.... That I am still able to be here, I owe to a keen
eye and a nimble pair of legs. But I know they'll get
me someday. ~ Will Rogers. [Died in plane crash in
§ Another way to solve the traffic problems of this country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars be allowed to use the highways. ~Will Rogers
§
Campaign behavior for wives: Always be on time.
Do as little talking as humanly possible. Lean back in the
parade car so everybody can see the president. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.
§ No other man-made device since the shields and lances of the ancient knights fulfills a man's ego like an automobile. ~ Sir William Rootes, British automobile manufacturer
§ To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior." ~ Rita Rudner.
§
I don't even like old
cars ... I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at
least human, for God's sake. ~ J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the
§ Remember folks, street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. ~ Jim Samuels
§ Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on. ~ Budd Schulberg.
§ What Englishman will give his mind to politics as long as he can afford to keep a motor car? ~ George Bernard Shaw.
§ Is it sufficient that you have learned to drive the car, or shall we look and see what is under the hood? Most people go through life without ever knowing. ~ June Singer.
§ A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. ~ Carrie P. Snow.
§ In automobile terms, the child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering. ~ Benjamin Spock.
§ I remember things that happened sixty years ago, but if you ask me where I left my car keys five minutes ago, that's sometimes a problem. ~ Lou Thesz.
§
§ I've got two old Volvos, two old Subarus, and an old Ford Ranger. If you've got an old car, you've gotta have at least several old cars, 'cause one's always gonna be in the garage. ~ Rip Torn.
§ A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car. ~ Kenneth Tynan.
§ What can I say, the best therapy for me was to get in my Marlboro car and drive it. ~ Al Unser.
§ A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. ~ Bill Vaughan.
§
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile
accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over
§ A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. ~ Peter De Vries.
§ We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that. ~ Robin Williams.
§ "If there's any conspiracy involved in today's high gasoline prices, it's a conspiracy of cowardice and stupidity by the U.S. Congress." ~ Walter Williams, May 2006.
§ I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. ~ Steven Wright.
§ I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. ~ Steven Wright.
§ I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. ~ Steven Wright.
§ I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. ~ Steven Wright.
§ I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. ~ Steven Wright.
§ I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. ~ Steven Wright.
§ I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. ~ Steven Wright.
§ When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. ~ Steven Wright.
§ I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
§ It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.
§ A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank. ~ Author Unknown.
§ You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. ~ Author Unknown.