Bees Powered by Gasoline
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most
peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than
the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along,
periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas
station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin
the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas
station. As he passed the second station, he was coughing badly, but still he
flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and
gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?" He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you . . .There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
New Foreign Kid in Class
It was
the first day of school and a new student, Toshiba, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted
the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me
1. Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer makes it impossible to continue thy car payments.
2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car, nor his garage, nor his battery charger.
3. Thou
shalt not store thy car out-of-doors, except for the
wife's
4. Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive, when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.
5. Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children.
6. Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '59 Rambler American.
7. Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time.
8. Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.
9. Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season.
10. Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.
The
Darwin Awards are given (posthumously) to those who do the human race the
greatest favor by removing themselves from the gene-pool
in the most dramatic or bizarre fashion possible.
Rocket
Powered Impala
The
Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the
side of a cliff rising above the desert floor, some distance beyond the apex of
a long, gentle curve in the highway. The wreckage resembled that of an airplane
crash, but was obviously an automobile of unidentifiable make and model.
A state
lab managed to figure out the story. The wreckage was that of a Chevrolet
Impala and it seems the driver had somehow obtained a JATO (Jet Assisted Take
Off) unit. A JATO unit is actually a solid fuel rocket which is attached to the
sides of large military transport aircraft to give them an extra
"push" during take-off from short airfields, or when heavily loaded
(they're about five-feet long and three inches in diameter, and was probably abtained from the Air Force "boneyard"
outside Tuscon).
The
presumed owner of the Impala drove out to the desert and found a long, straight
stretch of road. He then attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up a
little speed, and ignited the rocket. The Arizona Highway Patrol calculates
that he fired the rocket about three miles from the point of impact - as
evidenced by an area of scorched and melted asphalt.
Reaching
maximum thrust within 5-seconds and remaining at full power for 20-25 seconds,
the Chevy Impala is estimated to have reached speeds
well in excess of 350 mph. The driver, soon to be pilot, would have experienced
G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-15 pilots using full afterburners
- essentially rendering him insignificant for the remainder of the event.
The
Impala remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the
driver attempted to apply the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the
tires, and leaving thick rubber and gouge marks on the road surface. It is at
this point in the ride that the vehicle is thought to
have rotated for take-off and become airborne.
The
Impala remained airborne for for an additional 1.4
miles, impacting the cliff-face at a height of
125-feet, leaving a three-foot deep black crater in the rock. Most of the
driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone and
teeth were extracted from the crater and fingernail
shards were found embedded in a piece of debris believed to have been part of
the steering wheel. It just proves once again - speed doesn't kill, stopping does….